I’ve always fantasized about playing a drug addict. Key word: fantasized.

I’ve been in plenty of shows that have these types of roles. I am not the type of woman who fits the bill, though. I’m relatively straight edged. I’ve played my fair share of ingénues, dancing and singing fairies, even men. I like to think of myself as a good, respectable girl (although some will debate that).

Well, that all changed in December of 2009. I got cast as Giselle in The Lacy Project at the Strand Theater. Giselle is… how shall I put it lightly? Not a good girl. She’s a coke addict. She likes to do heroin for what she calls, “special occasions.” And, my personal favorite…

… she’s the first white girl M.C. at the club across the street.

Needless to say, I freaked out when I got the e-mail saying I was cast. I poured over the script, and asked myself, “oh dear God… what have I gotten myself into?” I just graduated from a music conservatory with a degree in opera. Opera. I’ve never done any of those drugs. How the hell am I going to pull this off?

We had a read through and it felt wrong. I almost went to my director, Josh, “excuse me… I think you made a mistake with casting.” Was I really playing this role? Did he really see Giselle in me? Because I sure as hell didn’t.

At the end of the read through, Josh told me to go on youtube and look up addicts. I nodded my head furiously and went home, literally typed in “heroin addicts,” and checked out what came up.

I had my hand clamped over my mouth for probably 15 minutes. The most shocking thing I watched was probably the ‘before and after’ slideshow of people that had been using for anywhere between one month and a year. The results were terrifying.

I watched videos of people who had overdosed. What shooting up was like. I was cringing and shouting, “my GOD!” My roommates were concerned.

“I’m doing research,” I told them.

I went into the next rehearsal with an idea of what I wanted to do, and since then, it has evolved into something completely different. Giselle isn’t the type of addict that is doped out of her mind constantly… that would be a struggle. Giselle is the addict that needs the high to function… well, normally.

Over the course of the rehearsal process, I’ve gone from falling in love with Giselle, to hating her stupid guts, to falling in love with her again. I’m in the in between stage right now as I write this. Incredibly, she reminds me of myself. Not in the drug addicted way, of course, but in the way that she puts on a damn good façade to hide what’s really going on underneath. There is one moment for where everything falls apart. It’s this type of thing I relate to- when you can’t hold it in anymore- that makes me get Giselle. Understand her.

I always knew that if I were ever cast as a drug addict, it would be a boatload of work. It’s more than that for me. I’m not method acting on this one. (My roommate Emma asked me one day, “how will you know if you never try?” to which I showed her the videos and she shut her damn mouth). It has taken research. It has taken me asking people to revisit moments that weren’t so great for them.

However, is definitely some of the most fun I’ve had on stage. For once in my life, I am out of my comfort zone as an actress. I am terrified of Giselle, but I think we’re making a lot of progress.