I’ve always fantasized about playing a drug addict. Key word: fantasized.

I’ve been in plenty of shows that have these types of roles. I am not the type of woman who fits the bill, though. I’m relatively straight edged. I’ve played my fair share of ingénues, dancing and singing fairies, even men. I like to think of myself as a good, respectable girl (although some will debate that).

Well, that all changed in December of 2009. I got cast as Giselle in The Lacy Project at the Strand Theater. Giselle is… how shall I put it lightly? Not a good girl. She’s a coke addict. She likes to do heroin for what she calls, “special occasions.” And, my personal favorite…

… she’s the first white girl M.C. at the club across the street.

Needless to say, I freaked out when I got the e-mail saying I was cast. I poured over the script, and asked myself, “oh dear God… what have I gotten myself into?” I just graduated from a music conservatory with a degree in opera. Opera. I’ve never done any of those drugs. How the hell am I going to pull this off?

We had a read through and it felt wrong. I almost went to my director, Josh, “excuse me… I think you made a mistake with casting.” Was I really playing this role? Did he really see Giselle in me? Because I sure as hell didn’t.

At the end of the read through, Josh told me to go on youtube and look up addicts. I nodded my head furiously and went home, literally typed in “heroin addicts,” and checked out what came up.

I had my hand clamped over my mouth for probably 15 minutes. The most shocking thing I watched was probably the ‘before and after’ slideshow of people that had been using for anywhere between one month and a year. The results were terrifying.

I watched videos of people who had overdosed. What shooting up was like. I was cringing and shouting, “my GOD!” My roommates were concerned.

“I’m doing research,” I told them.

I went into the next rehearsal with an idea of what I wanted to do, and since then, it has evolved into something completely different. Giselle isn’t the type of addict that is doped out of her mind constantly… that would be a struggle. Giselle is the addict that needs the high to function… well, normally.

Over the course of the rehearsal process, I’ve gone from falling in love with Giselle, to hating her stupid guts, to falling in love with her again. I’m in the in between stage right now as I write this. Incredibly, she reminds me of myself. Not in the drug addicted way, of course, but in the way that she puts on a damn good façade to hide what’s really going on underneath. There is one moment for where everything falls apart. It’s this type of thing I relate to- when you can’t hold it in anymore- that makes me get Giselle. Understand her.

I always knew that if I were ever cast as a drug addict, it would be a boatload of work. It’s more than that for me. I’m not method acting on this one. (My roommate Emma asked me one day, “how will you know if you never try?” to which I showed her the videos and she shut her damn mouth). It has taken research. It has taken me asking people to revisit moments that weren’t so great for them.

However, is definitely some of the most fun I’ve had on stage. For once in my life, I am out of my comfort zone as an actress. I am terrified of Giselle, but I think we’re making a lot of progress.

Money Failures

In a perfect world donor season would last year round. Non profits thrive on it. Money comes in by the fistfuls, and a fledgling theater hobbles onto the next year. But for me, I am no good at asking for money. To be honest, I downright hate it. I feel like I am asking for myself. Like the Strand is a cover for my seedy underhanded dealings. And the people most likely to give to the Strand are friends. People I know. So it feels awkward.

But the Strand has to get a piece of the tax break pie! The Strand is important! So I am faced with the difficult challenge of asking for money. Trying not to beg, and keep it all upbeat, while begging. It is hard. I want to send out a letter that just says ‘We are Fucked!’ In BIG BOLD LETTERS. I ran it by a few people. Mostly it came across a little too desperate. To which I say, ‘well we are.’

The Strand has a very small operating budget. We basically fluctuate between having $1,000 and $4,000 in our bank at one time. We don’t qualify for any significant grants yet, so we rely on rentals, donations, and box office monies. So far we have been able to get what we need. Scrape by…and little by little we add to the Strand. A better stereo system here, more lights there. Grassroots (code name for poor).

So are we failing? Hmmm. Sometimes I feel like yes and sometimes I feel like no. I guess we are always on the verge of failing. Operating on our budget makes it pretty possible that we are one small disaster away from being zeroed out. It sometimes feels like a big secret. No one wants to really know the bottom line, not sexy and fun enough. People want to be part of things that are raging successes, not raging struggles…gritted teeth and praying.

So what to do? Tonight I embark on an online campaign for the Strand but I have no theme. GIVE!? I think that might be taken. But seriously, GIVE!!! Hmmm, I am not sure. I know positive is what the people want. And yet, it goes against the very fiber of my being. Shutter. But who know, something new might be worth a try.

Super Fun Party Strand Give-A-Thon of Lots O’ Happiness!

http://www.strandtheatercompany.org/id13.html

eh????

Joining the process already in progress -

After The Mercy Seat ended on October 4th, I had decided to take a break from theater just to recharge my “batteries” so to speak. I had spent much of the year playing roles that were somewhat emotionally draining, including several at the Strand. Bermuda found me portraying the husband of a woman who had previously dated my brother, and by the end of the show, I had a complete breakdown. That was followed by Sweeney Todd (at Spotlighters), where I had an extremely minor role, but was on stage in my creepy sewer person persona virtually the entire show. Then came Women in Love, in which I played Gerald Critch, which while not a difficult role, did require me to be fully nude on stage for a solid 20 + minutes of the show, which is certainly a cause for anxiety. And then there was The Mercy Seat, in which my character, Ben, missed out on being killed in the 9/11 attacks on the WTC, because I was at my boss/lover’s loft getting a little “sumpin’ sumpin’”. Oh I should mention, Ben was married with 2 kids, and all through out the show my phone was ringing (it was my wife, hoping I was somehow alive). That show took the biggest toll of all, as it was just me and my co-star, Kasey, on stage for an hour and a half, more or less riding an emotional roller coaster, until finally, I suffer a, you guessed it, a complete breakdown. What a way to book end the year. Or so I thought!

My break lasted approximately 2 weeks. I received an email from Jayme, the wonderful Artistic Director of The Strand, asking if I was sure I wanted to take a break. Her show, [sic], had been in rehearsal for a few weeks, but unfortunately, she lost an actor, and needed a replacement. I was hesitant at first. I had purposely not auditioned for [sic] due to my wanting/needing to take a break. However, having worked with Jayme in the past, and knowing that she was in a bind, I decided to take the plunge.

There has been one other occasion where I have replaced an actor partway through the rehearsal process, and while it was ultimately successful, I did not get to truly enjoy the experience because I felt like I was constantly being compared to the original actor. Initially, I had those same feelings when I joined the cast of [sic]. They had been working together for a few weeks by that time, presumably building chemistry, and learning to play off one another, as well as closing in on the “off-book” date. So in I came, joining the process in progress. I should mention that the script for [sic] is unconventional, to say the least. There is no punctuation at all written into the script, which leaves much of the interpretation to the actor. At first I was worried about trying to do it like the other actor had been doing it. However, after much encouragement from Jayme, not to mention Alec and Tami (the other actors in the play), I started to relax a bit more, and allowed myself to enjoy the process we were going through. And not surprisingly, that is when the magic started happening. I started finding the nuances of Theo, as well as coming up with an affected voice for him, and also facial/body tics, and a walk that is really more like a “shuffle”. I’m on stage about 98% of the play, so I always have to be doing something. Whether it be smelling my candy bars before taking a bite, or having a specific method for drinking my soda, the character of Theo as I portray it, is different than any I have played before. I laughed when one of the reviews stated that “Rohrer plays Theo as if an autistic Rainman”, which is a bit redundant in my opinion, but I saw her point. And while the reviewer meant it as a criticism, I actually took it as a complement. I’m extremely happy that I was giving the opportunity to join the cast of [sic]. The audience/critics may love it or hate it, but for me, I’m having more FUN on stage than I’ve had in well over a year. Hopefully that is a sign of good things to come.

I Don't Get It!

I recently received an email from a director in India who googled [sic] and found the Strand. She asked if I would send her a video of the Strand's production in the hopes of better understanding how to stage Melissa James Gibson's unique play. She said she was struggling with how to direct the piece and had a hard time grappling with the language, finding the humor. I was of course very happy to get the email.

Hello,
I am part of a theatre company, Mostly Harmless inc, located in Delhi, India, and having come across the script [sic] decided to stage it in February next year. I am directing the play.
So far directing the play has been challenging. We've managed a good cast but I find that I'm still very confused with regards to the stage setting and its various possibilities.
I searched [sic] on google and your facebook page came up as a search result. I've looked over your facebook page and you guys look really good, and I was wondering if there was any way in which could actually watch some parts of the play online once it is staged, to sort of draw some inspiration with regards to the stage setting and also with regards to the interpretation of the humour in the play, particularly with regards to its verbal nuances.
I apologize if this seems random, rude or burdensome, but I'm really looking for any help I can get.
Gideon Mathson,
Mostly Harmless (New Delhi)

When I chose [sic] it was a very distinct choice. It is a weird play. It doesn't always make sense. It borders on a sitcom feel, it is mundane but funny. It is very language heavy. It reminds me of Dawson Creek. Why are these characters expressing themselves this way, can they use some slang for f's sake? Why is there no plot? Nothing happens.

The character's obsession with Mrs. Jorgenson barely passes as an actual plot. So much of it is left for interpretation. Did Frank kill Mrs. J? Does it matter really?As the cast and I muddled through the show we asked the same questions. I looked for reviews of the show, only to find that reviewers asked the same questions. What did the show mean? It didn't make sense.

It is funny, because everyone (including myself) who read the play really liked it. I myself loved it, but I couldn't express why. It broke conventions. It was good writing. It contained magical realism and themes of inadequacy. It moved. It left all the decisions up to the director, it was there to be interpreted. To me, it was an obvious choice.

So, what does the play mean? Well, I guess when I was directing it I decided what it meant for me. My favorite line in the play is when the Theo, Frank, and Babette discuss what game they should play. 'Can you cloak your animosity a little I just woke up'-my favorite. Gibson writes about me. A failure in all my glory. It is what I think about at night, why am I alone? Where is my career? When I write a blog why do I write so many questions?!

After directing [sic] I don't think I can go back. I want it weirder, I want it even harder to understand. I want the reviews so bad or so good. I want a visceral reaction that only comes from putting something onstage truly unique. I want to always be confused, and discover what is important to me through the process. That is the reason the Strand exists.

Theater Freebees

I was going to be a sociology major. I don't know why. At the time it sounded like a good idea. I got sucked into the theatre scene pretty quickly in college and declared my major with some hesitation. Am I going to be successful? Am I going to be able to support myself? I dunno. We'll see.

So far, so good. I've done some great work since I graduated in 2007, learned a whole lot, grew up a lot. My greatest learning experience came when I landed a position as a company stage manager at a theatre in Wichita, KS. Was I REALLY going to pick up and move to Kansas? Yeah. I really was. Things were fantastic at first. Loved my apartment. Loved the people I was working with. Was getting paid.

Then I stopped getting paid.

I was stranded in the middle of the country with no family, no income, working long hours and therefore unable to seek a second job to GET an income. I certainly won't go into the difficulties the company faced during that time. But it was hard. Very hard. I didn't know how to approach the producer about my problems, because they were problems that likely wouldn't be fixed...there was just no money. But I kept going, you know? I was doing theatre. When I was working, I was happy. But as soon as I left rehearsal, everything changed. I gradually started to resent theatre. I couldn't support myself. My mother couldn't pay all of her bills at home and mine in Wichita.

After Christmas I started applying for part time jobs. If I had to work 18 hours a day to pay my bills, then so be it. I got a job at the Super Target and was scheduled to start opening week of our next show. The show opened, audience seemed to enjoy it. Good times were had. Target Team Member by day, Stage Manager extraordinaire by night. Until I got "the call."

I guess everyone has to get one of those calls in their lives. That call when it feels like you're entire world is caving in and nobody can see it happening. The producer called and left me a voicemail. I checked it when I finished my shift at Target. "I'm sorry Danielle. I have to close the theatre." I guess part of me thought...."well, I wasn't getting paid anyway, so it's not really that much different." I had just done two months of work for free. Worked 18 hour days, all for nothing. I had been sitting on the Target parking lot when I got the message. I marched myself right back into the store, went to my team leader and asked him to take me on full time. And then I went home and cried. And wished that I had a gallon or three of ice cream to eat...but I had no money to buy the ice cream.

After that, I swore that I would NEVER do theatre again. Paid. Unpaid. I didn't care. I didn't want to be anywhere near a stage. I wanted to get a practical, secure job. I never, ever wanted to experience those feelings again.

Needless to say, I recovered from that feeling. It took me about a year, but now I'm back at it. I love theatre too much to let that nightmare change me. I'm happiest when I'm doing theatre - even when I work for free.